‘Tis the season for fruitcakes, and I happen to know a famous fruitcakeologist! Here’s what he has to say about the infamous fruitcake:
FRUITCAKE
by F.R. Duplantier
A fruitcake came one day
And I sent it on its way.
The next day, then,
It was back again,
But here it cannot stay.
I sent it to one brother,
Who sent it to another.
It eventually
Came back to me,
In a package from my mother.
I sent it to a friend –
At least, he was ’til then.
He sent it back
With a caustic crack
And we never spoke again.
I sent it to my boss
And signed it “Santa Claus.”
My name he guessed
And readdressed
That spice-baked albatross.
I sent it to a client,
Who proved to be defiant:
It seems the space
In his office place
Is fruitcake noncompliant.
I picked someone at random
In hopes that he could stand ‘em.
It was returned:
Somehow he’d learned
I was the Fruitcake Phantom.
If a fruitcake comes today,
I think I’ll let it stay.
It’s crystal clear
Its place is here –
And I must move away.
HA! I just sent this poem to my Aussie husband and inlaws. Fruitcakes are revered here. I highlighted “It’s crystal clear Its place is here – And I must move away.”
I am glad you enjoyed it, Suzanne. Merry Christmas and try to stay away from those fruitcakes!!
Companion piece:
FOOD CHAIN
by F.R. Duplantier
Some people will complain
Or think that you’re insane
When you send out ten
To foe and friend
And start a fruitcake chain.
But those ten people then
Will send out ten again:
Not one will deign
To break the chain
And risk a tragic end.
One caution you should heed
Before you do proceed:
What you send out may
Come back one day
In numbers you don’t need.
I knew a Fruitcake. He lived in the French Quarter.